Everyday Life

All posts in the Everyday Life category

Insight sometimes takes awhile

Published February 2, 2015 by Dream Weaver

Yes I am the dream queen.  I dream never ending dreams where I wake up and go back to sleep and continue where I left off over and over again.  Then there are the everyday dreams.  Never nightmares for me. probably because I enjoy horror flicks so well.  My dreams are usually happy or what we will call fix it dreams.

Fix it dreams finally dawned on me this week.  I am the constant helper or fixer for the world.  I want everybody happy or I am constantly trying to prove my self worth.

During waking hours I am insecure.  I truly am the very overweight person who health is down the tubes and feels like the world could do without me and constantly is.  I don’t get out much and live in a county where let’s just say sometimes I don’t feel welcome.  I have done lots of things to help volunteered and researched thousands of hours a year for the longest time and seemed to just irritate the locals one way or another.  Small towns can be a strain on any new comer especially someone trying to fit in and help.  I apparently come across too strong or someone has assigned my jobs that stomp on others feet.  After all, how many people do you know fired from the same volunteer job 2 times.  Neither was really my fault one lady with a grudge both times.  I have been asked back by others, laugh the people asking me back are wonderful and couldn’t help either time but do I have IDIOT on my forehead?  NO

Back to my dreams….

I finally dawned on me that my dreams show me as the person doing everything they can to   fix things.  A detective, researcher,  in any area that can help people with what they are looking for.  Someone people look up to and admire.  Something I don’t feel in life.  I am always insecure and seeking positive feedback and not receiving it.  People do give it to me and offer me activities as volunteer to make use of my talents. I have written articles and taken photos for local papers.  I have done numerous things for the American Red Cross. I also have done research on genealogy for hundreds to thousands of people just because I enjoy it and helping others.

I even research in my dreams looking for that piece of the puzzle to answer the questions plaguing us genealogist in our family.

Can you imagine sleep reading a book, surfing through pages of genealogy.  Basically working a jigsaw puzzle in your mind all the time.

Or doing something in your dreams that makes you feel great.  A feeling that you just want to feel, I mean really feel and be appreciated.

Show appreciation for people every day.  Make them know how good they are and how much they help you don’t make them look for it in their dreams.  We all need self worth, some of us more than others.

Do you really know who you are?

Published August 5, 2014 by Dream Weaver

Most people know who their parents, siblings, grandparents & cousins are.  A few of us our luckily adopted into loving families with either no information and sometimes with a small amount of information and others with if they are lucky a full name usually the last name of one the parents and where the birth happened.  Some of adoptees are happy to never know anything about their birth parents their who lives.

A month ago, my spouse and I (the avid genealogist) decided to do our DNA.  Me to confirm what I knew and maybe possibly find answers to a few puzzles.

My spouse curious about his birth parents, he had no information at all and a birth certificate not on file in his home state, where he lived his whole life of almost 60 years.

My DNA has as I suspected confirmed no new leads, just confirmation.

My Spouse no close leads.

I did have one name I had no clue on as a First Cousin.  So I contacted him.  For privacy we will call him John.  John was born in my home state in a small town 40-50 miles from most of my immediate family on both sides of my family tree.  Which perked an interest.  He’s 7 years younger so we are close in age as most of my cousins range 20 years. Which happens when you come from large families.

I asked John to check his matches for 2 names and lo & behold he matched them at the same level, we 3 share the same Great Great Grandparents.

We talked about who could be his father in my line, and his hopes as you can imagine grew.  I slowed him down even though the resemblance is remarkable to uncles and cousins.

So I pushed him to look for a few more matches on my fathers mothers side trying to narrow down the long list of possibles.  He matched them both the same level as I do, my father’s mother’s line.

So we share the same Grandparents X & Y.

Next thing I did was look for John Smith’s last name at birth in burials in the small town and the county.  What did I find one 14 year old who died three years before he was born and 5 family trees with the teenage boy in it.  I sent them all emails hoping they will help John Smith find his true parents names, even if it is only a father.

Now we wait.  I don’t know who is more anxious John or me.

Do you really know who you are?  Do you really know who your family really is?  What secrets are hiding in your closet?

I will try and keep you posted on any updates.  Good news is he finding lots out about his ancestors and with any luck soon his parents.

Positive People….Yuck

Published July 10, 2014 by Dream Weaver

I sorry to say, have always hated positive people. You know those that fall out of the bed, the sun is shining, smile on their faces, its a wonderful day sort.

I had happy moments as a child, but very dysfunctional parents, abusive step dad and a tough life growing up. I was a only child who grew up in hand me down clothes from cousins who laughed at me for wearing their old clothes, to make it worse their parents dressed them alike (two of everything).

I lost my husband to a terminal illness when I was 28 with a 6 and 5 year old to raise and severe money issues prior to his death.

As for my children, they survived childhood with tons of therapy and a few guardian angels. So no, they are not rich famous or have wonderful jobs, one works.

I have besides all the abuse I endured as a child had my life threatened on numerous occasions, once even had a knife at my throat by a PTSD Vietnam Vet friend. I stood up to him, looking him in the eye showing no fear until he put the knife away and survived.

I have had numerous medical complications that could have killed me and have lived to suffer through another day. As for the last three years I have lived in a hospital bed either in hospitals, nursing homes or at this point at home in one.

Yes, I love people and am truly blessed to have the love of family and friends. Sadly most of these friends are not the run to you aid everyday friends, just people who know me see me and keep in touch friends. This has a lot to do with my health and inability to get out and living in the country.

So please don’t bounce in with that s*** eating smile and tell me its a wonderful day, I just may do my best orangutan imitation and fling it back at you, so can yo duck?

Karma Come Soon

Published July 3, 2014 by Dream Weaver

Three men on choppers arrive at their destination, a house at almost the end of a dirt road in the mountains of Arizona.  They stepped off their hogs in unison like outlaws in an old western.

They head to the cabin of their destination as an older man steps out on the porch.  “Hi, guys are you lost?”

“Not if you’re Owen”, said the burly bearded biker.

“Yes, that’s my name, may I ask who you are?” said Owen.

“We are, Hicks, do you know why we are here?” said the lead biker.

“I think so…”Owen said and stood quietly waiting.  He had spent fourteen years in prison not much scared him anymore, but he knew well enough to stand tough and not show fear.

“We are not here to hurt you or scare you, we just want to talk.  You have done a lot to hurt our cousin and the pain you cause her has never stopped.  Just because you are no longer molesting her, doesn’t make the memories or pain go away.  The trauma remains and the pain still stings.  You took everything from her, her father, her cousins, aunts and uncles.  You took her innocence and her confidence.  We suspect you even took her mother away, from stupidity causing her death.  Then you even took her mother’s death wish, her mother’s last words away from her.  Frankie was surrounded by her siblings, nieces and nephews where were you? Frankie spoke to Sandy just before she was put on life supports.  Frankie told Sandy that this cabin is hers not yours.  That you had other places, properties and this place was hers.  At least 4 people heard this from Frankie, Sandy didn’t fight it. Even before when Sandy last saw Frankie she talked to her mother about her Mother’s Ring. You thought there were synthetic stones which actually were real gemstones, Frankie told her to take the ring. And sadly she forgot it and you say that the ring had been gone for years.  Sandy has been fighting for her sanity and life since you snuck into her life.  Now for the last three years she has fought medical battles, lucky to have survived, broke verily getting by, while you live in her house, going to the casino regularly and Las Vegas.  It is just you here why, do you have so many cars and motorhomes?  Sandy has one car that verily runs and can’t afford to get another.  Does anything sound fair here?  Do you ever think of anybody but yourself? Do you feel any guilt at all for all the lives you destroyed?  What are you going to do about this?”

Owen spoke, “You are right, where do I start?

The lead rider spoke, “How about thinking of her first for a change.  Sale the vehicles you don’t need.  Keep the truck and send everything from the sale of the vehicles to Sandy.  Or even better, send them full of some of the stuff you are just sitting on and let Sandy sell them at auction in Iowa where they will bring in good money.  You do not need all the stuff you have, come on you are an old man don’t make someone else handle it after you are gone.  All your prized stuff will be worth nothing after you are gone.  You know old man Karma is a bitch, there is still hope for you; God does not forgive everything.”

The lead rider shook his head, looked at his cousins and said, “We are done here, and the rest is up to him.  Let’s ride.”  In unison, they hopped on their hogs and started them up and rode away down the dirt road with their backs to the old man.

Remember…. Karma is a bitch, sooner or later she will get you!

What Motivate Us

Published June 24, 2014 by Dream Weaver

We all know we are driven to do things we don’t always understand.

I wanted to outgrow ‘Little Sandy’ guess what, there is nothing little about me.

I wanted to sing and be on stage, but childhood trauma and my weight holds me back.

I wanted to regain a family that I lost when my parents divorced.  My mother and step-dad kept me hidden away from my Dad and his family.  I know why my step-dad wanted that way, he was afraid for his life.  He stole  my mom away and too me with her with the plan to molest me and have us both.  Sadly he achieved his goals and more.

I became a insecure teenager and adult who put on weight thinking it would shield me from life’s hurts, only causing me more pain.

At six, I was a loving bright child writing poetry, and turning everything into songs and music.  The poetry changed direction from joy to anguish around the age of 10.  I became withdrawn and music was still in my heart but caught inside.

I had spent my early years, with people who loved me and looked out for me when my parent could not.  By 10 bonds were lost and my family became a cell.  I went to school, came home to a mother at work and a stepfather who was always alone with me and his plans in motion.  I was lucky to escape and be with kids my own age playing, which hardly ever happened.  I was a servant who did all the housework and my stepfathers’ toy.

I am almost sixty and still trying to recover from all the damage done.

My dad passed away back in 1979, I saw him twice for a few hours before he died.  He and all his family lost to me.

So what do I do?  Genealogy.  Searching for what I lost.  I have bonded with second cousins I had never met over the internet and by phone.  I track down Aunts and Uncles that have passed.  Occasionally, I hit gold.

While looking for one of my female cousins who I was closest with who had been accidentally murdered by her husband. I was looking for details decades later, I found her brothers obituary, with an email address four years old.  You can’t begin to imagine the numbers of emails I send out trying to track down information.

I sent an email to this person that was his son hoping he still had the same address.  A few hours later there were emails going back and forth. I set up a facebook page for the family, he starts sending dozens of his generation to the group.  Best of all well not best darn close to the people were pictures of my Aunts and Uncles and some of there kids. Pictures from the mid fifties of people I knew.  Pictures of the 70s of people I knew, lots of his dad.  I felt like I was walking through a door. Messages on facebook and one who wanted to talk to me.

She understood the separation, she is my sons age.  Her grandparents (my aunt and uncle) didn’t get along with the rest of the family and she grew up without the bonds they all had and have.  She was yet another abandoned ship without a harbour.

When you see pictures of seven small boys together brothers, cousins and friends you know friendship, love and acceptance.

Parents should love, nurture and protect their children.  They should not take loved ones away or keep them away.  They should not hurt their children or allow someone to abuse them, ripping their hearts out.  They should never chose an adult over their children, anyone of my family would have been happy to have me.  I was a sweet, loving, kind child full of innocence with a desire to be good and loved.

 

 

Mistakes are Destiny’s Life Lesson

Published June 15, 2014 by Dream Weaver

Favorite Mistake

Is there a mistake you’ve made that turned out to be a blessing — or otherwise changed your life for the better? Tell us all about it.

 


Every decision I make is destiny. Whether it is a mistake or a blessing isn’t the question. I know whatever the outcome is good or bad, it is down a path of either storms and blue skies.  I come to my destination a happier and better person, with the opportunity to learn from any mistake I make.  
 
 

Dreams I can handle, it’s the waking hours when sleep escapes me and the wondering mind says, ‘You can fix everything!”

Published June 13, 2014 by Dream Weaver

Childhood, those who were forced to abandon me when my mother cut me off from my father and his family at the age of nine.

Adolescence, when the man she ran off with emotionally, physically and sexually abused me.

Adulthood, when I feel in love and married knowing someday my husband would die and leave me a widow with two small children.

Sisterhood, when my stepfather abused my adopted brothers and sisters and all the pain and anguish we all went through rose its ugly head and more.  Some secrets came out through court and others thought they were safely packed away.

Parenthood, through custody and raising of my adopted brothers and sisters and my two small children who suffered all more than any child should.  Lose of a parent or more and the trauma of abuse.

Single-parenthood, of my own children who losing their father had affected them deeply, and the added loss of Aunts and Uncles who made matters worse, with threats and deception and severing ties with the children who had adored them.

Wings Spread, finally ready to love again. After decades of taking care of everyone else; my children, my brothers and sisters, I found a new soul mate and sold my house and move half way across the country.

Life Anew, I lived life doing things I never did.  Learned things I never knew.  Was happy, loved, and looked after even though my independence sometimes fought it.

Illnesses abound, Seems like, seems nope; am fighting one thing after another.  My health is in the worst it could ever be.  Frequent and long hospital and nursing home stays, due to repeated infections.  Falls resulting in a dislocated broken shoulder with torn rotator they can’t fix due to medical conditions.  A knee that knee cap has decided to move and probably torn ligaments that they can fix without putting me under.  Diabetes and kidney failure.  Sadly, a few other major issues.

Hospital Bed Bound, I can walk very short distances, with varying levels of pain. Have lived in my hospital bed at home for three years.  Have done wheelchairs, walkers, canes and lot and lots of PT, sadly things keep hurting.  I have my own TIMS unit to massage different spots and have developed allergies to almost every pain med there is.  I have had nerves burned in my back which did help that area a lot.  Sadly no life again.  If I go out it’s to doctors, if I am out too long I suffer for days on pain meds.  Haven’t seen a game of my grandson or a school event all year.  Tomorrow though, I take a step closer to some regained independence.  I meet with a MD for the next step in getting a motorized wheelchair built for me.  My primary caregiver finally gave in. I still ended up doing the ‘leg work’ found out who did them and how we jumped through Medicare hoops to get it.

  1. Have a evaluation by Physical Therapy she writes an recommendation (DONE)
  2. Have a Face to Face with a MD he examines me and write the order filling out the correct forms correctly sending them to Medicare
  3. Medicare approves
  4. Order is placed and within about two weeks from that I have a motorized chair for home use to get to the bathroom, help me cook and clean. That I can use to go outdoors and I can go places with.  The good news is get out of bed more!

Fix everything, never!  Fix a few things, yes!

  • I did protect another generation of children, protecting them from another child molester my step family.  That secret of fifty years has seen the light of day.  No consequences, for him but his WHOLE FAMILY KNOWS and CHILDREN ARE SAFE!
  • My children survived their childhood better than I did, lucky them!
  • I have lost both parents, but am finding my father’s family through genealogy.  Second cousins who lived miles from me growing up. That I probably would have known if things were different, but we are like we knew each other our whole lives.  They don’t remember my dad, but the next up generation does.
  • My daughter and grandson followed me five years later and live with us.  First years were tough.  My illnesses have brought us closer.  I believe losing another family member scared her a bit.  She had lived next door to my mother about a year before she passed and two years later all my issues started.
  • My grandson is my blessing and my life.  He is an Angel on earth.  He calls me Grandpa since he came here and I love it!  He’s a cuddle bug, a teaser, a joker, a singer, a helper and my spoiled little man who is turning 7 next month.

So much history lost, so many memories are to be made.  Enjoy what life you have and never look back, never change a thing.  If I had changed one thing, I would not have the loved ones that surround me.  I do have sorrows in my life but I am what they made me:  STRONG AND DETERMINED

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