We all know we are driven to do things we don’t always understand.
I wanted to outgrow ‘Little Sandy’ guess what, there is nothing little about me.
I wanted to sing and be on stage, but childhood trauma and my weight holds me back.
I wanted to regain a family that I lost when my parents divorced. My mother and step-dad kept me hidden away from my Dad and his family. I know why my step-dad wanted that way, he was afraid for his life. He stole my mom away and too me with her with the plan to molest me and have us both. Sadly he achieved his goals and more.
I became a insecure teenager and adult who put on weight thinking it would shield me from life’s hurts, only causing me more pain.
At six, I was a loving bright child writing poetry, and turning everything into songs and music. The poetry changed direction from joy to anguish around the age of 10. I became withdrawn and music was still in my heart but caught inside.
I had spent my early years, with people who loved me and looked out for me when my parent could not. By 10 bonds were lost and my family became a cell. I went to school, came home to a mother at work and a stepfather who was always alone with me and his plans in motion. I was lucky to escape and be with kids my own age playing, which hardly ever happened. I was a servant who did all the housework and my stepfathers’ toy.
I am almost sixty and still trying to recover from all the damage done.
My dad passed away back in 1979, I saw him twice for a few hours before he died. He and all his family lost to me.
So what do I do? Genealogy. Searching for what I lost. I have bonded with second cousins I had never met over the internet and by phone. I track down Aunts and Uncles that have passed. Occasionally, I hit gold.
While looking for one of my female cousins who I was closest with who had been accidentally murdered by her husband. I was looking for details decades later, I found her brothers obituary, with an email address four years old. You can’t begin to imagine the numbers of emails I send out trying to track down information.
I sent an email to this person that was his son hoping he still had the same address. A few hours later there were emails going back and forth. I set up a facebook page for the family, he starts sending dozens of his generation to the group. Best of all well not best darn close to the people were pictures of my Aunts and Uncles and some of there kids. Pictures from the mid fifties of people I knew. Pictures of the 70s of people I knew, lots of his dad. I felt like I was walking through a door. Messages on facebook and one who wanted to talk to me.
She understood the separation, she is my sons age. Her grandparents (my aunt and uncle) didn’t get along with the rest of the family and she grew up without the bonds they all had and have. She was yet another abandoned ship without a harbour.
When you see pictures of seven small boys together brothers, cousins and friends you know friendship, love and acceptance.
Parents should love, nurture and protect their children. They should not take loved ones away or keep them away. They should not hurt their children or allow someone to abuse them, ripping their hearts out. They should never chose an adult over their children, anyone of my family would have been happy to have me. I was a sweet, loving, kind child full of innocence with a desire to be good and loved.