Dreams I can handle, it’s the waking hours when sleep escapes me and the wondering mind says, ‘You can fix everything!”

Published June 13, 2014 by Dream Weaver

Childhood, those who were forced to abandon me when my mother cut me off from my father and his family at the age of nine.

Adolescence, when the man she ran off with emotionally, physically and sexually abused me.

Adulthood, when I feel in love and married knowing someday my husband would die and leave me a widow with two small children.

Sisterhood, when my stepfather abused my adopted brothers and sisters and all the pain and anguish we all went through rose its ugly head and more.  Some secrets came out through court and others thought they were safely packed away.

Parenthood, through custody and raising of my adopted brothers and sisters and my two small children who suffered all more than any child should.  Lose of a parent or more and the trauma of abuse.

Single-parenthood, of my own children who losing their father had affected them deeply, and the added loss of Aunts and Uncles who made matters worse, with threats and deception and severing ties with the children who had adored them.

Wings Spread, finally ready to love again. After decades of taking care of everyone else; my children, my brothers and sisters, I found a new soul mate and sold my house and move half way across the country.

Life Anew, I lived life doing things I never did.  Learned things I never knew.  Was happy, loved, and looked after even though my independence sometimes fought it.

Illnesses abound, Seems like, seems nope; am fighting one thing after another.  My health is in the worst it could ever be.  Frequent and long hospital and nursing home stays, due to repeated infections.  Falls resulting in a dislocated broken shoulder with torn rotator they can’t fix due to medical conditions.  A knee that knee cap has decided to move and probably torn ligaments that they can fix without putting me under.  Diabetes and kidney failure.  Sadly, a few other major issues.

Hospital Bed Bound, I can walk very short distances, with varying levels of pain. Have lived in my hospital bed at home for three years.  Have done wheelchairs, walkers, canes and lot and lots of PT, sadly things keep hurting.  I have my own TIMS unit to massage different spots and have developed allergies to almost every pain med there is.  I have had nerves burned in my back which did help that area a lot.  Sadly no life again.  If I go out it’s to doctors, if I am out too long I suffer for days on pain meds.  Haven’t seen a game of my grandson or a school event all year.  Tomorrow though, I take a step closer to some regained independence.  I meet with a MD for the next step in getting a motorized wheelchair built for me.  My primary caregiver finally gave in. I still ended up doing the ‘leg work’ found out who did them and how we jumped through Medicare hoops to get it.

  1. Have a evaluation by Physical Therapy she writes an recommendation (DONE)
  2. Have a Face to Face with a MD he examines me and write the order filling out the correct forms correctly sending them to Medicare
  3. Medicare approves
  4. Order is placed and within about two weeks from that I have a motorized chair for home use to get to the bathroom, help me cook and clean. That I can use to go outdoors and I can go places with.  The good news is get out of bed more!

Fix everything, never!  Fix a few things, yes!

  • I did protect another generation of children, protecting them from another child molester my step family.  That secret of fifty years has seen the light of day.  No consequences, for him but his WHOLE FAMILY KNOWS and CHILDREN ARE SAFE!
  • My children survived their childhood better than I did, lucky them!
  • I have lost both parents, but am finding my father’s family through genealogy.  Second cousins who lived miles from me growing up. That I probably would have known if things were different, but we are like we knew each other our whole lives.  They don’t remember my dad, but the next up generation does.
  • My daughter and grandson followed me five years later and live with us.  First years were tough.  My illnesses have brought us closer.  I believe losing another family member scared her a bit.  She had lived next door to my mother about a year before she passed and two years later all my issues started.
  • My grandson is my blessing and my life.  He is an Angel on earth.  He calls me Grandpa since he came here and I love it!  He’s a cuddle bug, a teaser, a joker, a singer, a helper and my spoiled little man who is turning 7 next month.

So much history lost, so many memories are to be made.  Enjoy what life you have and never look back, never change a thing.  If I had changed one thing, I would not have the loved ones that surround me.  I do have sorrows in my life but I am what they made me:  STRONG AND DETERMINED

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