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All posts for the month June, 2014

What Motivate Us

Published June 24, 2014 by Dream Weaver

We all know we are driven to do things we don’t always understand.

I wanted to outgrow ‘Little Sandy’ guess what, there is nothing little about me.

I wanted to sing and be on stage, but childhood trauma and my weight holds me back.

I wanted to regain a family that I lost when my parents divorced.  My mother and step-dad kept me hidden away from my Dad and his family.  I know why my step-dad wanted that way, he was afraid for his life.  He stole  my mom away and too me with her with the plan to molest me and have us both.  Sadly he achieved his goals and more.

I became a insecure teenager and adult who put on weight thinking it would shield me from life’s hurts, only causing me more pain.

At six, I was a loving bright child writing poetry, and turning everything into songs and music.  The poetry changed direction from joy to anguish around the age of 10.  I became withdrawn and music was still in my heart but caught inside.

I had spent my early years, with people who loved me and looked out for me when my parent could not.  By 10 bonds were lost and my family became a cell.  I went to school, came home to a mother at work and a stepfather who was always alone with me and his plans in motion.  I was lucky to escape and be with kids my own age playing, which hardly ever happened.  I was a servant who did all the housework and my stepfathers’ toy.

I am almost sixty and still trying to recover from all the damage done.

My dad passed away back in 1979, I saw him twice for a few hours before he died.  He and all his family lost to me.

So what do I do?  Genealogy.  Searching for what I lost.  I have bonded with second cousins I had never met over the internet and by phone.  I track down Aunts and Uncles that have passed.  Occasionally, I hit gold.

While looking for one of my female cousins who I was closest with who had been accidentally murdered by her husband. I was looking for details decades later, I found her brothers obituary, with an email address four years old.  You can’t begin to imagine the numbers of emails I send out trying to track down information.

I sent an email to this person that was his son hoping he still had the same address.  A few hours later there were emails going back and forth. I set up a facebook page for the family, he starts sending dozens of his generation to the group.  Best of all well not best darn close to the people were pictures of my Aunts and Uncles and some of there kids. Pictures from the mid fifties of people I knew.  Pictures of the 70s of people I knew, lots of his dad.  I felt like I was walking through a door. Messages on facebook and one who wanted to talk to me.

She understood the separation, she is my sons age.  Her grandparents (my aunt and uncle) didn’t get along with the rest of the family and she grew up without the bonds they all had and have.  She was yet another abandoned ship without a harbour.

When you see pictures of seven small boys together brothers, cousins and friends you know friendship, love and acceptance.

Parents should love, nurture and protect their children.  They should not take loved ones away or keep them away.  They should not hurt their children or allow someone to abuse them, ripping their hearts out.  They should never chose an adult over their children, anyone of my family would have been happy to have me.  I was a sweet, loving, kind child full of innocence with a desire to be good and loved.

 

 

Reality Hits My Dreams

Published June 18, 2014 by Dream Weaver

Just a little background on why I know the dream happened: 

I saw this as a writing idea on another site.  Yes, my mother died from Septic Shock and was in liver failure.  My stepfather did go to jail for incest of my adopted daughters, sadly mine was way too old to add the charges.


Reality Hits My Dreams

Sandy: “Hi Cuz, have you seen your local news today?”

Dotty: “Did, I miss something?”

Sandy:  “Apparently, you and the whole family has.  I am totally uh … well, actually not surprised.”

Dotty: “Don’t make me worry Cuz, tell me.”

Sandy:  “I didn’t catch the whole story, it made national news for god sake…”

Dotty: “Cuz?”

Sandy:  “They want to exhume my mom’s body.  Something about a lost or misread blood test before she died.  It wasn’t septic shock, or normal liver failure…”

Dotty:  “I knew there was always more to that man than the abuse and molestations.  Now murder!”

Sandy:  “Who do you know back home that can tell us more? I haven’t gotten through to anybody at the Phoenix, White Mountain, or the Arizona State Police.  I would assume it’s at state level with them living in the Mountains and her dying in Phoenix.”

Dotty:  “Makes sense”

Sandy:  “You think the Liver Failure was the beginning?”

Dotty: “She wasn’t sick till he got out of prison.  Are you okay to let me go and see what me and  the family will find out?  I will have to keep the reins tight on Dad, Danny and George.  He better hope he’s in jail, but he may not be safe there either. ”

Sandy:  “Yes, Tony and Lissa are here.  Do you what I know you can do and find out as much as you can.  Love you Cuz!”

Dotty:  “Love you too, be strong one more time, this we will get through together!”

 

Another Day in Paradise?

Published June 17, 2014 by Dream Weaver

To those who go to school or work, be joyful.  I used to look forward to the days I could go and volunteer at one of my favorite places and activities.  For the last three years, I have existed in one hospital bed or another, either in a hospital, long care facility (nursing home) or at home.

My body hurts, sometimes screams in pain.  It takes a couple of hours just to fill my medications for the next two weeks from the dozens of pill bottles I have.

I need surgeries to fix about a dozen things wrong, but the surgeries are risky than suffering through their consequences.

As the song says, “I haven’t seen a game all year”.  I miss my grandsons T-ball games, concerts, etc…  Haven’t been to a movie or anything fun in years.  If I do get out its to the doctor, if I am out too long I am in severe pain for days.

The only place that is somewhat comfortable is my hospital bed, so here I exist and today rant.

You be happy go to the park, work or movies for me, enjoy life.  Maybe soon, I will have a motorized chair and will be able to do more!

 

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Me chose?

Published June 16, 2014 by Dream Weaver

Familial Feasts

Yesterday was Father’s Day in many countries. If you could dedicate a holiday to a more distant relative, who would it be — and why?

Mistakes are Destiny’s Life Lesson

Published June 15, 2014 by Dream Weaver

Favorite Mistake

Is there a mistake you’ve made that turned out to be a blessing — or otherwise changed your life for the better? Tell us all about it.

 


Every decision I make is destiny. Whether it is a mistake or a blessing isn’t the question. I know whatever the outcome is good or bad, it is down a path of either storms and blue skies.  I come to my destination a happier and better person, with the opportunity to learn from any mistake I make.  
 
 

Insecurities and the Right to Brag

Published June 14, 2014 by Dream Weaver

Right to Brag

Tell us about something you (or a person close to you) have done recently (or not so recently) that has made you really, unabashedly proud.


 

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When you you are insecure and your pride was beaten down through years of abuse it’s hard to ‘toot your own horn’. You never seem good enough, no matter how many people praise you.  You either hide from the world, contribute quietly, or you are always trying to save the world. If you are really talented you can do all three at the same time, by volunteering or things like Genealogy.

I have been involved volunteering in one way or another since High School by: Walking for Hunger, office worker for a Presidential Election or joining a Campaign to save a Elephant in a Zoo from death!  

As an adult, I joined several boards for major charities and/or volunteering in their front lines.  I have been associated with the American Red Cross as a volunteer for about ten years.  I have done everything and anything needed except being deployed to another state on national disasters, but have been involved in Local and National Disasters in my state.

With all the praise for jobs well done, has my insecurities improved with time?  Have I been able to see myself as a caring wonderful person?  Can I look in the mirror and say ‘you are a wonderful person’ ‘or ‘well done’ yet?

“I am working on it” (brag)

 

Right To Brag

Verbal Ticks

Published June 14, 2014 by Dream Weaver

Is there a word or a phrase you use (or overuse) all the time, and are seemingly unable to get rid of? If not, what’s the one that drives you crazy when others use it?

Well besides all the usual curse words (I was a  Navy wife and mine always got worse than my late husband returned from a cruise), mine change.  In fact, mine change after I drive my spouse bonkers on purpose for a few months of torment.

There are Verbal Ticks that drive me crazy like the Budweiser “Wassup” that I threatened death to any family member who used it.

My spouse is a older man raised Catholic and occasionally will mutter one he picked up from his mother “Jesus, Mary & Joseph” .  It makes me snicker, knowing he’s totally frustrated wit me yet again, which makes me laugh harder.

There is the one parent’s hear from their children “Oh Mom! or Oh, Dad!”

Now even better yet, is the 6 year old grandson who rolls his eyes and lets out, “Get real!”

Now for those I grew up with, thanks Grandma:

  • People in Hell want ice water. 
  • You’d bitch if you were hung with a new rope.
  • Get off you keister.
  • Go out and play in traffic.
  • You broke my floor ( or other thing when we got hurt and were crying)

Yes, I use the above Verbal Ticks just as a way of keeping my grandmother around and so I can laugh at the memories.

Last but not least:

“THE END”  is it story or movie ever really over?

 

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